Why I Don't Watch Soccer

The only time I watch soccer is during the World Cup.  I think that there are a lot of people like that who only care about soccer for two weeks a summer every four years.  The cool thing about soccer is that they run around for 45 mintues with no commercials, take a 15 minute break, then run around for another 45 mintues with no commercials.  I turned on the MLS today, and then changed the channel five minutes later.  In those five minutes, I figured out why the MLS gets so few viewers.

1.  The announcer.  I feel like soccer is the best when there is an announcer that has a British accent, and I can't really understand a word he's saying.  It's like golf, tennis, and darts in that respect.  Have you ever seen darts on ESPN?  It doesn't need an announcer, it's pretty self explanatory, but there's always a British guy screaming out the scores for the math-illiterate.  Makes it way better.

2.  I have no idea what team is what color.  Their uniforms have a bunch of advertisements on them, but no where does it say what team they are. This is a major problem for me when watching the MLS.  This is why international soccer is so much better.  I can figure out which country the U.S. is, and then i have someone to root for.  Which leads to the next thing.

3. Flags.  If I'm going to be a soccer fan, I want to be one of the annoying ones, waving a flag around, and screaming that "Ole" song for two straight hours.  Going full hooligan, but playing it off as patriotism is the only way to go.  Cities don't have flags (to the best of my knowledge), so this poses a small problem.

4. The Crowd.  The crowd at an MLS game is quiet.  I didn't get to see a goal, I'm assuming that they make noise when that happens.  Also, America has these dumb rules where you can't light off fire works or shoot off flair guns in the stands, and our culture really frowns on rioting.  So we're at a real disadvantage compared to some other countries.

5.  The LeBron-James-ness of the athletes.  When there's a foul in soccer, the guilty immediately puts his hands up in the air, and make that "I didn't do it" face.  Have you ever seen LeBron foul people, same thing?  Just kidding, LeBron doesn't foul people.

International soccer is great.  But the MLS has certain limitations that won't ever let it be as popular as the International games, unless cities get flags, write their name on their uniforms, get a British announcer, and let people with flair guns into the stands.  Then they might have a fighting chance.