Fantasy Victory Speech

Every year, me and my college friends play in a fantasy football league together.  We use the same scoring rules every year, which no one really understands, because they don't make any sense (One year I had Drew Brees, and he averaged like 90 points a week).  Yet still, we play, and we all play to win, except for Paul, who for all intents and purposes plays the role of the Cleveland Browns in our league*.  This year, I won.

Here's my victory speech:

"Gentlemen-

That was quite the drive in wasn't it… I guess that's why they call it Soviet Russia.

Even though I have clearly shown myself to be superior in all ways fantasy this year, including baseball, I hope we can still be friends.  

There are two driving forces which propelled me into the winners circle this year, and frankly, put you at a severe disadvantage.  I would like to take this time to thank those most responsible for my victorious ways.  The "Tony Romo to Laurent Robinson connection" was a driving force, which made so much touchdown magic.  Being in Dallas, I got to watch the Cowboys games, and soak in the glory.  I giggled, I spoke in a Michael-Jackson-like high pitch voice, and I jumped around like a crazy person.  My girlfriend, many of you know her as Katie, would often stare at me like I was a crazy person.  But I didn't care, I was scoring fantasy point, ya know?

The second reason, and probably the most important reason, was the driving force produced by Tim Tebow as he warmed my fantasy bench.  His magic, or voodoo, or whatever you call it not only helped to foil the efforts of your fantasy teams, but he was a great cheerleader for my team.  Rooting for the Lower Akron Punting Browns as they took down lesser teams like Developmentally Disabled Mander, Team Garbage, MACHO DUGTRIO, Quiche Lightning, and The Clack Clack Noise Maker Sounds was just part of his job description as far as I'm concerned. 

It was a perfect storm, a tempest if you will, of disaster.  You all served as the New Orleans to my Katrina.  I can only believe that you felt like Mike Myers next to an accusational Kayne West as i rolled over you. 

In all seriousness though, it's been a good season, and even though I didn't get to watch the Browns very often, I'm glad I can still count on you guys to give me updates on how they're doing.  I can usually determine the severity of the Browns terribleness by how many people between you guys and Lisa text me.**

Now, we don't have a trophy or belt, or anything fun like that that I can flaunt, so I leave you with this, an everlasting reminder of my triumph;

Good Day."

Dan Wiley

Janruary 4, 2011

**The worst moment of the season by this system was either the Seneca Wallace sack/fumble in the fourth quarter against the Cardinals or when the lockout ended, and it was determined that we'd actually have to play this season.  

*Paul's Record by year:

   2011: 3-9

   2010: 8-4

   2009: 2-9

   2008: 4-8